Mom Life

I am definitely failing as a mom.

I worked this weekend.

On Saturday, I get a text from Hubs that he took the boys to a store to pick up some parts to fix the snowthrower. T was startig to fuss in the backseat and J yelled out “T shut up!”

On Sunday, I got a text that J was drinking his water from his cup and spilled some on the floor. Hos response? “Oh god…fuck.”

Remember J is 3.5 years old. He has recently regressed in his talking because baby brother started babbling and we think it’s cute. So he has returned to babbling for attention. When he does talk in sentences, he repeats what he hears.

So…yeah…I’m screwed. I’m not very good at censoring myself.

Fuck.

My name is Amanda. I’m 36, a baby nurse (NICU), and I am a mom to two beautiful boys. J is 3.5 years old (June) and T is 2 years old (January). My boyfriend, unofficial husband, and I have been together for 16 years. We just bought our second house, had a dog before kids, do all the married things…we just aren’t married. That’s a topic all on it’s own. Hubs didn’t want kids. Then, oops! Here comes J. We couldn’t have been happier. Then right around my first Mother’s Day, when J is 10 months old, I found out I was pregnant again. Hubs wasn’t thrilled. He was pretty happy with one kid, but the thought of two was overwhelming. Little did he know…

So we had 2 under 2 for a few months since they’re only 19 months apart. Looking back, I realize that I had some serious PPD (post-partum depression) going on. I deal with this stuff pretty regularly at work, so I should’ve recognized it, but I didn’t. It was rough. I just had lots of moments where I didn’t want to deal with the reality of life. I wanted to run away, but never once did I actually consider leaving my babies. My sense of obligation kept me there and we survived. Don’t get me wrong, I love my boys deeply, but I was overwhelmed. My mom passed away in 2012, I don’t have a great relationship with my father, and my MIL lives 2 states away. Hubs and I work opposite days, 12 hour shifts, in order to not pay for daycare (because it costs more than college!). So, no help without paying for it. It’s exhausting.

I feel myself slipping back into the downward spiral of exhaustion and just feeling completely overwhelmed. My boys are both in their own difficult stages and it’s wearing me thin. So, I’m starting this as an outlet for my thoughts and to act as my own sounding board.

Hopefully I’ll look back at this post in the very near future and laugh at my ridiculousness, but for now….here goes nothing.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton